Big, Bold, Red, Personal Headlines WORK!!
(See, I told you big, bold, red, personal headlines worked!)
Got Problems In Your Life? Well, I Don't Really See Why I Should Help Someone Who Is So Snivelling And Pathetic As To Actually Have PROBLEMS, But As I Am Such A Wonderfully Generous Sort Of A Chap, I Suppose I Can Spare A Couple Of Minutes If I Get Paid Enough.....
Oi Sniveller, Want To Know The Super Dooper Dooper Secret Of All Humanity And All Creation?
Reading This Sales Letter WILL Change Your Life!!
(It'll make you five minutes older by the time you finish it)
COPYRIGHT
No copyright exists in this work as it is so poor the author won't even admit to having written it. At least he wouldn't if we knew who he was. Please feel free to send a copy to your mother-in-law, bank manager, noisy neighbor, and everybody else you don't like. Even feel free to print it out and take it into the smallest room of the house and use it for all it is good for. The only thing you can't do is alter the content. That is because any change is bound to improve it.
DISCLAIMER
This is a work of pure fiction (except for the true bits), which would be purely for entertainment purposes, except that it is so poor you couldn't possibly find it entertaining. Any similarity between any of the characters, either living or dead, and themselves, is purely coincidental. Reading this product is done at your own risk, and no responsibility can be claimed for loss of intelligence or death from boredom. Especially as we don't put our address on it so you don't know where we are, and we won't be there next week anyway.
Howdy folks!
My name is Bob Oddjob. I am a wonderfully civic-minded citizen. (I live in the local lunatic asylum to save housing space). I am deeply committed to environmental issues. (I eat incandescent light bulbs and drink gasoline). I am a thoroughly wonderful human being who has the absolute best interests of every living creature at heart. (No, really. The more you earn, the more you can give to me!)
Why should you listen to me? Well, I am the world's most perfect human being. I have achieved massive wealth and success by following the techniques I will share with you here. I have also achieved anonymity which is why you have never heard of me.
Actually I've been profiled in a few 'rich and famous' magazines, but you don't read them. I was going to be profiled in your local paper but they wouldn't pay me enough and didn't have a big enough parking space for my limo.
I am also an archaeologist. This is how I made the wonderful discovery that has changed my life since last Friday. Despite being homeless, penniless and with several terminal illnesses, I managed to fund an archaeological trip to Egypt to try and find the Super Dooper Dooper Secret of All Humanity and All Creation. I'm so pleased to report that quite by accident, I succeeded.
How different my life is now. Just four days later and I now own Africa, Australia, and half of Europe and Asia. I am now in negotiations with George W. Bush about the possibility of purchasing the USA. Oh, and my illnesses all got better. And, I met my 'dream women'. All of them. I'm now off to buy a polygamous country so we can all live together.
Here is the wondrous story of how it all came about.
I was walking by the pyramids in Egypt last Thursday morning. Although these magnificent structures have enthralled people for centuries, my gaze was drawn towards another building. A building in one of the main tourist areas. A building that I sensed with my wonderful psychic senses would contain the Super Dooper Dooper Secret of All Humanity and All Creation.
This building was built of modern brick. How totally ingenious of our ancestors to build a shrine of modern brick right amongst the pyramids! What wonder! Positive proof that our ancestors had psychic visions of the future. They could even produce modern brick!
The building appeared to be a collection of Personal Prayer Cubicles. Each Cubicle contained a ceramic “throne” with Holy Water in the center. Above each throne was a magnificent metal chain. On pulling this chain, fresh Holy Water would come cascading down into the bowl and replace the previous water.
The building was actually divided into two sections, one for each gender. This is positive proof of its antiquity, as modern civilizations do not separate the genders for worship.
The building appeared to be some kind of Wesleyan Chapel, as the letters “WC” were etched into the brick. Inside, on the wall were ancient hieroglyphics, stating such things as “Daz woz 'ere”, “Up the Gooners!”, and “MUFC”. I believe these are related to a sacred text of the Ancient Babylonians, but I cannot quite identify which one. There was also some text written by a lovely man who was looking to meet young boys there, presumably for Prayer Meetings. Oh! What a magical place!
I tried very hard to observe the people at worship in these Prayer Cubicles, but each time I tried to take a peek the person got rather angry with me. Sometimes they used expletives and threatened violence. This could only mean one thing. The rituals and prayers of this shrine were so sacred, outsiders were strictly forbidden to know their secrets. Locks on each individual cubicle proved this hypothesis.
The Super Dooper Dooper Secret had to be contained within those Magic Prayer Cubicles. I waited until the coast was clear. Hurriedly I dived into one of the Prayer Cubicles, not daring to dream of what I might find. I sat on the Ceramic Throne. There, I saw it. Right in front of me, on the wall, was a scroll of Sacred Egyptian paper. Incredibly, there were no hieroglyphics on the paper, just a sort of 'perforation' dividing the scroll into equal-sized sheets. Oh what wonder! The secrets of Pythagorean Geometry revealed, long before the time of Pythagoras! The scroll even had two thin sheets making up one thicker one, symbolic no doubt of the unity of this dimension with the unseen. The paper didn't even feel like normal parchment. It was soft, as if symbolic of our wonderful creator's love for fallen humanity.
Yet still the Super Dooper Dooper Secret remained hidden. How are we to apply the Sacred Scroll to attain its wonderful blessings? Just as I was about to leave, I saw another man enter the Prayer Cubicle next to me. Unknown to him, I could see his movements through a hole in the wall. After a few minutes of ceremonial grunting noises, he took a piece of the Sacred Scroll and applied it to a part of his anatomy. He then placed the Scroll into the Holy Water at the center of the Ceramic Throne, and refreshed the Holy Water using the Sacred Chain.
What happened next is simply beyond belief. Within one minute of exiting the Sacred Prayer Cubicle, this man MET HIS DREAM PARTNER. Yes, his WIFE!! Apparently, she had gone into one of the Prayer Cubicles for the contrary gender at the same time, and was now waiting for him outside. What?? You mean, she was waiting for him as well??? Wow!! This magic has DOUBLE POWER!!!
I stood in wonder. At last, humanity's greatest secret was being revealed. Just as I was about to leave, the wonder of Providence struck again! Just as I was leaving the Sacred Prayer Cubicle Temple, I saw the High Priest of the Temple going in. He was engaged in ceremonial cleaning, with a mop, a brush, and a bucket of soapy water. Also, he was REPLENISHING THE SCROLLS. Any Sacred Scroll whose Holy Parchment had been used up, was replaced by this High Priest with a fresh Scroll. Oh what power this man must have! Oh how everyone must envy him this job!
Then I saw it. The High Priest had left open the door of his own Sacred Cubicle. On a shelf, I could see Sacred Scrolls piled up in what looked like a modern cardboard box. I could see other boxes piled up on another shelf. Wow!! The power that this High Priest had at his disposal was simply beyond imagination.
Here is the exciting part! Here is the reason I am writing these words!!
You are simply not going to believe your astonishing good fortune in reading these words today. It can only have been Divine Providence that brought you here to be sharing my beauty and wealth today. You will simply not believe this, but I have managed to negotiate a deal between my esteemed publishers, OddjobsSodUJobs LLC, and the wonderful High Priest of that Sacred Egyptian Holy Prayer Cubicle Temple. This deal allows for you, yes YOU Dear Reader, to own your own Sacred Section of a Holy Egyptian Scroll. Personally torn for you at our Sacred Worship Center. And to own it free of charge! Yes, I said free of charge! You pay NOTHING!! Oh what wonderful generous magnificent human beings we are! Sharing our wealth for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All you have to do to qualify for this FREE offer is to purchase our “Guide to the Part of the Anatomy to which the Sacred Scroll should be Applied.” This is a magnificent illustrated 1-page ebook that contains a close up shot of the EXACT place where these Sacred Scrolls are usually applied. You can purchase this by sending a check for ONLY $997 to:
PO Box EZ2SODU,
Accommodation Address Conmen,
God Knows Where,
You'll Never Find Us Anyway,
Postcode : UP Y00.
Alternatively, you can slip me $1000 in cash next time I appear on the “Howdy Bud Let's Rip Off Gullible People” chat show. Just make sure no IRS people see me, and I've got enough time to launder the cash before I'm due on.
Or, you can send funds care of our long established British Law firm, Conn, Lye, Cheete, Steele and Swindall.
Alternatively, for more security, you can wire the funds direct to our bank's Head Office in MoneyGoGo Village, Nigeria. Just add another $247 to cover processing fees.
You want TESTIMONIALS? You want PROOF?? You guys are hard to please. OK. Here's a true story. Last Friday, I met my pal Mike. Mike is a rich guy. I met him just as he was going in to the car showroom to buy a Rolls-Royce. I stopped him right there. I said “Mike, your future is uncertain. Why not use the Magnificent Metaphysical Power of the Sacred Ancient Egyptian Perforated Prayer Cubicle Scroll to secure your dream?” Do you know what he said? He said “Man, I don't have time for that. I'm a busy man!”
So, guess what I did? Yeah! I wanted to prove that the Scrolls have EVEN MORE POWER than I ever dreamed! I wanted to prove that the Scrolls would work even without the consent of the person involved. And, I wanted to prove that you don't even need to use the correct part of the anatomy to make it work. These Scrolls have THAT much POWER!
So, I put the Perforated Section of the Sacred Prayer Cubicle Scroll on top of my head, turned around three times, faced exactly due East, and said the magic words “Gub Glurp”. Guess what? LESS THAN A HALF HOUR AFTER PERFORMING THIS RITUAL, MY FRIEND MIKE DROVE OUT OF A CAR LOT IN HIS MAGNIFICENT DREAM ROLLS ROYCE MOTOR CAR!! Hallelujah! Praise be to the Lord!
You want MORE?? I actually GAVE a Perforated Section of the Sacred Prayer Cubicle Scroll to my dear old grandmother. She was suffering with a headache. In fact she had just taken an aspirin. I told her to lay the Scroll on her head and say Praise Be to the High Deity Mumbo-Jumbo. Guess what? She did this, and within a few minutes the pain began to lessen! Then guess what?
Eventually my grandmother recovered completely from this headache! She didn't even DIE for Pete's sake! Isn't that wonderful??
Although I'm sure if she had popped off it wouldn't have taken long to get her back. Not with the power of the Perforated Section of the Sacred Prayer Cubicle Scrolls!
REFUND POLICY??? You want to know about our REFUND POLICY??? Are you crazy? Wow, this question has never even arisen with our products but of course we will give it consideration. Let me think......
Of course!! We offer a completely legally binding 1000 year DOUBLE money back guarantee! If at ANY time you do not manifest every last dream, every last desire, every last precious wish in your life, of course we will refund your money. And give you the same amount again as a Thank You for trying our wonderful products. We will even come personally to your door with your refund check so you can use our shoulders to cry on. God bless you.
SMALL PRINT : In order to process refunds we will require proof that the fault lies with our product, and not with you. This will require a signed statement from a certified God, signed in the presence of an Attorney with two witnesses. Failure to provide such proof will lead us to believe that you are on the Blacklist of the Goblins of Lucifer, and are therefore responsible for your own downfall. This need not be tragic, as we have a Personal De-Blacklister who can call at your home and perform the necessary De-Blacklisting Ritual. The charge for this is $497 per hour, and the treatment will continue until
If a De-Blacklisting is necessary, we will still refund your $997 because we are nice, provided you pay a $998 surcharge for call out charges.
MOTIVATION!!
Boy have I got news for YOU! Not only have I discovered The Ultimate Secret of All Humanity and Creation in the Power of the Perforated Sacred Egyptian Prayer Cubicle Parchment Scrolls, and given, yes GIVEN this wonderful gift to you, I am now offering you guys the chance to get motivated enough to actually use it!
Wow! How I know you guys love motivation stuff! Only last week I had a letter from a dear beloved client, saying how he was standing in the middle of a railroad and saw this freight train coming towards him. He got out his personal stereo player and put on a tape of one of our “Super Dooper Dooper Ra-Ra Wonderful Motivation Seminars” starring Monotony Z. Windbag. Guess what? Just as the fatal impact was about to occur, my wonderful client got the urge to move away from the railroad. God, its special to be able to help people!
Imagine owning a Perforated Section of the Sacred Prayer Cubicle Scrolls and not being motivated enough to use it. You just can't be motivated enough to apply the scroll to one small part of your anatomy to gain every last wish and desire of your entire life in a matter of hours. How SAD that must be!
FEAR NOT!! Because now we are giving YOU the chance to attend one of our “Super Dooper Dooper Ra-Ra Wonderful Motivation Seminars” all for yourself! To anyone who so graciously donated $997 for our “Guide to the Part of the Anatomy to which the Sacred Scroll should be Applied.”, we are now offering a chance to attend one of our “Super Dooper Dooper Ra-Ra Wonderful Motivation Seminars” at a hugely discounted rate of
Yes really!!
This is for a full HOUR AND A HALF (minus the one hour coffee break) of that wonderful motivational genius Mr. Monotony Z. Windbag! The ONLY man to be in the Guinness Book of Records for single-handedly giving off so much hot air he kept up a full fleet of hot air balloons for THREE WEEKS after their fires had cut out!
WAIT!! It gets better!
Send off your $9997 by
WAIT!! It gets better still!!
Pay an extra $1997 and get a FREE cup of coffee during the speaker's coffee break!
WAIT!! It gets better yet!!!
Pay an extra $2997 and get a FREE signed picture of Mr Windbag SMILING!! How's THAT for a motivational tool?
WAIT!! It can't get EVEN BETTER?? Oh yes it can!!!
Pay an extra $100,997 and we will throw in a FREE copy of our Audio Tape Course “Motivating Hot Air Windbags with Windbag Hot Air that is Motivating.” This is an ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS value but we undervalue it at $999,997 plus shipping and handling!
The course will probably arrive in your mail box with the wrapping half ripped open due to the poor quality brown paper we use. The cassettes themselves will be in a tatty cheap plastic container that will not fit or shut properly. They will be presented on poor quality tape that will probably play for nearly TEN TIMES before the tape scrunches up in the machine and you have to buy another set. No, of course they are not available separately. Don't ask silly questions.
We would HATE to offend our esteemed competitors by departing from the industry standards.
LATEST OFFER!!!!!! BOY ARE WE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Why do you think the men in white coats are here?)
Pay an extra $777,777,777.77 immediately and we will GIVE you, as a GIFT, a GENUINE PIECE OF PERFORATED SACRED EGYPTIAN PRAYER CUBICLE PARCHMENT SCROLL, PERSONALLY USED BY OUR WONDERFUL MOTIVATIONAL GENIUS MR. MONOTONY Z. WINDBAG!!!
YES!! REALLY!!!!!
This piece of Scroll Paper has been PERSONALLY USED by this magical Guru of Motivation, has been applied to the special part of his anatomy by his own luminary hand, and is imbued with his personal, erm, shall we say, erm, “magnetism”!
GET YOUR CREDIT CARD OUT NOW!!
If you delay by one second you will be condemned by the Goblins and Trolls of the Head Office of the Infernal Naughty Boy Lucifer and will miss out on these wonderful secrets forever!!!!!! (cue violins) Oh! The Waste!! Oh! The Deprivation!!!! Oh! The Despair!!!!!! (cue cellos)
Oh! Until we put the same offer up tomorrow!!
Aren't we WONDERFUL???
Oh my God!!!!!! The BEST is YET TO COME!!!!!!!!!!!!
DONATIONS
Of course it would be totally beastly of us having made such a wonderful discovery as the Magnificent Metaphysical Power of the Sacred Ancient Egyptian Perforated Prayer Cubicle Scrolls, not to allow YOU, our dearly beloved brothers and sisters, to contribute to this magnificent evolution in our civilization.
In order to spread the word of our wondrous discovery, we have now formed the Foundation of the Discovery of the Magnificent Metaphysical Power of the Sacred Ancient Egyptian Perforated Prayer Cubicle Scrolls, and are ACCEPTING DONATIONS NOW!!!
NO more poverty! NO more want!! NO more lack!!! Together, we can make this happen!!!! (Oh, the tears are streaming down my face now)
Just transfer your money from your bank account to ours, and we will have no more poverty, no more want, and no more lack. And you will feel better! OK?
SPAM POLICY
As our wonderful, uplifting, beautiful prose is as far removed from the rather annoying nuisance of spam as it is possible to get, you may well be suffering withdrawal symptoms from your usual diet of dross.
Please send an email to spam AT spambot DOT com (format of address changed because we don't like spam) and we will ensure that your withdrawal symptoms are ended as quickly as possible.
CONTACT THE AUTHOR
As I am now the world's most perfect human being and a great friend of dear old God, you can contact me by kneeling on the floor, putting your hands together, and speaking. Please don't disturb us on Sundays as we are rather busy.
Yours Sincerely,
Anonymous.
THE END
(Oh No! Have I just given away the secret of where you apply the scroll?
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
© Copyright Andrew Wardle January 2007